Fire is magical

We are spending long weekend in Orimattila. There are so peaceful and quiet. So nice to be here again after 2 months.

I could sit by the fireplace so many hours and just watch the fire. And the warmth is so lovely. I was reading in the armchair and I don´t know better place to do that(= You can get in the right mood and just forget everything around you. So relaxing.

We came here to spend quality time together, but we are also doing things that we enjoy ourselves. To me it´s reading and having time to go through my thoughts. For him it´s something else.

Knowing that you can just be and no rush is wonderful. No need to go anywhere and nobody demanding something from you. Well, we have our dogs with us and they do want go out few times and they need food too. But they are part of our family and it´s nice also spend time with them outside the home environment.

Sun has gone to sleep from this day and darkness taken hes place. Fireplace is calling to me so I´m going to enjoy it before I start make dinner. Creamy chicken with something? I don´t know yet what... Maybe I get the idea when sitting in the armchair and watching the fire.

Horoscope

My horoscope says today that I´m partly there where I´m going but still I´m not there yet... Okay, quite clear! And I should keep my foot on earth. Yeah, interesting.

Maybe this image that mental growht I have mention before. Thats sure that I´m not in the point I would like to be. I have long journey ahead.

Right now I feel that I need time to be only by myself. BUT the life won´t give it to me. i don´t know what the place could be where i could totally focus to clear my mind. At home it won´t happen because it cause stress to me. Well, if i would have 1 whole week alone without dogs and other liabilitys.. Then i could clear the mess in the house. I wanna throw away useless stuffs and have more space in the house, which now make me quite anxious.

Okay, now this went quite negative. The weather and lack of own time in bright hours of day, makes me tired. There´s so much things I should be able to handle.. But I would just wanna to get rid of all.

I think many people is now in this situation. It feels that your head is going to blow up in any time, but still the same spinnning goes on and on. And that makes us frustrated. We just hope that someone or something will come and safe us from this ever lasting misery. Most of us does not realize that the only one who can make the change are they themselves.

I know that, BUT now it seems that I really don´t wanna admit it to myself. It´s so easy to tell lies to yourself. I´m very good in that which is not a good thing and it´s really important to me make a huge change in that.
I have really tried to avoid listening my inner voice lately. Why? Well, I don´t wanna face what it tells me: I should take step outside from my comfort area. And that´s not easy, not at all!

The upcoming weekend is full of plans, only this friday is free. That makes me feel that I wanna leave early to home from work. Yeah, I´m going to do that! That´s very good thing in my job that it´s quite independent and sometimes I´m free to quit jobs early.

I´m goig to quit the jobs today at 2pm. So 3,5 hours to go anymore including lunch break(=
Great! Now I feel better(=

So long time

I was sick 3 weeks. NOT nice. I had terrible flu. It started with little fever and sore throat. Then came the rest.
I was at home 7 days, then went back to work. i felt little tired and plugged but thought that I´ll be fine. I was wrong. Friday night I had again sore throat and my hole body was aching. When I went home I measured my temperature; Fever. I was so frustrated.
5 days I layed and again I felt that now I should be quite okay and it´s time to go work on next day. Well, I was quite tired at the morning and thouhgt that maybe I should stay at home 1 day. Because of that I needed a medical certificate and went to the doctor. I´m happy I did go: I had Bronchitis. If I would´t have the antibiotic in time, there were a risk that I could have had myocarditis.

But now I´m feeling much better and things are getting normally again. I´m very happy for that.

Yesterday I used subway when getting home. I watched people on escalators. There are so many kind of persons using subway and I really enjoyed to watch them. I hope my stare didn´t disturb them.

I´m developing mentaly (slowly but surely) and now I see my enviroment differently. That´s maybe why I stared those people yesterday, feels like I have a new eyes? It´s very fascinating. My eyes stopped specially for showy and stylish women. In my mind I create a story behind them. That´s fun and may give me some ideas for writing a book.

I love reading books (novels, fantasy, biography etc.) and I was quite little when I decided that I wanna write a book. I may write my own experiences of life, but I also wanna create stories, fantasy and love stories. I write poems so maybe I will some day write a poem book etc.

I like write things up. I even have notebook beside my bed. Sometimes I have to get up at night because I can´t sleep before I write my thoughts down. Writing is very strong way for me to handle and express my feelings and thoughts. I´m not very good speaking things that are emotional or hard. I just don´t get the words out OR when I do, the expression is wrong or better word might be clumsy. I do have very good conversations inside my head but when it´s really time to speak.. yeah, it doesn´t go so well.

Expression myself with speaking is one of the most important skill that I have to practice, A LOT! That would make my huspand happy because he suffers for my flaw very much.

There are my thoughts from this day. I could go on and on, but I have things to do(=