Excited

Tomorrow I´m going to see a woman who is very strong person and I think she is the one who can help me. I need someone to help me to open my inner locks. I called her today and I was so relieved that she can meet me so quickly.



After the call I have been very emotional and almost start weeping. I think the feelings comes so strong because I might find the way out of my inner prison. The road in land of shadows have been long and finally the lighter path is ahead.



Maybe the hardest thing in my depression is that how my "comedowns" effects to my loveones. Specially to my huspand and our dogs. I have just find out how sensitive dogs are for your emotions. And that makes me feel so bad and guilty. It´s my job as an owner to give them a happy and good life.






So, waiting very impatiently tomorrow afternoon. I think my time has come to grow for the wonderful woman that is inside me and who want´s to show up herself.

Oscar Gala

I was on my friend´s flat watching The Oscar´s and I like it very much. Nice show from Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. Funny guys and played well together.

The red carpet were little disappointment, felt like the camera were all the time in wrong place showing boring things; like George Clooney saying hi to his fans atleast 6 times and it ws the same clip every time! Also at the show they get Clooney very often to the picture. And he looked very boring. Maybe it was for them funny some way etc.

I think most of the statue went for right people. And we lived the emotions of winners with my friend, having tears in our eyes. So many happy, first time winners.

Only bad thing in this is that we did not sleep, not even 1 minute, last night and we had to go to work. This is horrible. I´m so tired that I almost fall asleep right here in my chair. I decided to leave early today and have some nap.

So we had fun time with my friend but I have to hope that I can cheer up when week is going on. It´s not fare if my family suffers for my tiredness when the reason for that is Oscar´s!

Now having some lunc and then joyrney to home shall begin!

Fire is magical

We are spending long weekend in Orimattila. There are so peaceful and quiet. So nice to be here again after 2 months.

I could sit by the fireplace so many hours and just watch the fire. And the warmth is so lovely. I was reading in the armchair and I don´t know better place to do that(= You can get in the right mood and just forget everything around you. So relaxing.

We came here to spend quality time together, but we are also doing things that we enjoy ourselves. To me it´s reading and having time to go through my thoughts. For him it´s something else.

Knowing that you can just be and no rush is wonderful. No need to go anywhere and nobody demanding something from you. Well, we have our dogs with us and they do want go out few times and they need food too. But they are part of our family and it´s nice also spend time with them outside the home environment.

Sun has gone to sleep from this day and darkness taken hes place. Fireplace is calling to me so I´m going to enjoy it before I start make dinner. Creamy chicken with something? I don´t know yet what... Maybe I get the idea when sitting in the armchair and watching the fire.

Horoscope

My horoscope says today that I´m partly there where I´m going but still I´m not there yet... Okay, quite clear! And I should keep my foot on earth. Yeah, interesting.

Maybe this image that mental growht I have mention before. Thats sure that I´m not in the point I would like to be. I have long journey ahead.

Right now I feel that I need time to be only by myself. BUT the life won´t give it to me. i don´t know what the place could be where i could totally focus to clear my mind. At home it won´t happen because it cause stress to me. Well, if i would have 1 whole week alone without dogs and other liabilitys.. Then i could clear the mess in the house. I wanna throw away useless stuffs and have more space in the house, which now make me quite anxious.

Okay, now this went quite negative. The weather and lack of own time in bright hours of day, makes me tired. There´s so much things I should be able to handle.. But I would just wanna to get rid of all.

I think many people is now in this situation. It feels that your head is going to blow up in any time, but still the same spinnning goes on and on. And that makes us frustrated. We just hope that someone or something will come and safe us from this ever lasting misery. Most of us does not realize that the only one who can make the change are they themselves.

I know that, BUT now it seems that I really don´t wanna admit it to myself. It´s so easy to tell lies to yourself. I´m very good in that which is not a good thing and it´s really important to me make a huge change in that.
I have really tried to avoid listening my inner voice lately. Why? Well, I don´t wanna face what it tells me: I should take step outside from my comfort area. And that´s not easy, not at all!

The upcoming weekend is full of plans, only this friday is free. That makes me feel that I wanna leave early to home from work. Yeah, I´m going to do that! That´s very good thing in my job that it´s quite independent and sometimes I´m free to quit jobs early.

I´m goig to quit the jobs today at 2pm. So 3,5 hours to go anymore including lunch break(=
Great! Now I feel better(=

So long time

I was sick 3 weeks. NOT nice. I had terrible flu. It started with little fever and sore throat. Then came the rest.
I was at home 7 days, then went back to work. i felt little tired and plugged but thought that I´ll be fine. I was wrong. Friday night I had again sore throat and my hole body was aching. When I went home I measured my temperature; Fever. I was so frustrated.
5 days I layed and again I felt that now I should be quite okay and it´s time to go work on next day. Well, I was quite tired at the morning and thouhgt that maybe I should stay at home 1 day. Because of that I needed a medical certificate and went to the doctor. I´m happy I did go: I had Bronchitis. If I would´t have the antibiotic in time, there were a risk that I could have had myocarditis.

But now I´m feeling much better and things are getting normally again. I´m very happy for that.

Yesterday I used subway when getting home. I watched people on escalators. There are so many kind of persons using subway and I really enjoyed to watch them. I hope my stare didn´t disturb them.

I´m developing mentaly (slowly but surely) and now I see my enviroment differently. That´s maybe why I stared those people yesterday, feels like I have a new eyes? It´s very fascinating. My eyes stopped specially for showy and stylish women. In my mind I create a story behind them. That´s fun and may give me some ideas for writing a book.

I love reading books (novels, fantasy, biography etc.) and I was quite little when I decided that I wanna write a book. I may write my own experiences of life, but I also wanna create stories, fantasy and love stories. I write poems so maybe I will some day write a poem book etc.

I like write things up. I even have notebook beside my bed. Sometimes I have to get up at night because I can´t sleep before I write my thoughts down. Writing is very strong way for me to handle and express my feelings and thoughts. I´m not very good speaking things that are emotional or hard. I just don´t get the words out OR when I do, the expression is wrong or better word might be clumsy. I do have very good conversations inside my head but when it´s really time to speak.. yeah, it doesn´t go so well.

Expression myself with speaking is one of the most important skill that I have to practice, A LOT! That would make my huspand happy because he suffers for my flaw very much.

There are my thoughts from this day. I could go on and on, but I have things to do(=

A gig on Tavastia Club

Tavastia is the best gig place I know, atleast in Helsinki. It´s a small and the atmosphere is great, intimate. My best gig experiences are from there. For example the first gig of Nightwish that I were able to see. And first time when Anette performed with NW in Finland(= I really hope that Nightwish will keep their new album release gig again in Tavastia (*crosses fingers*)!

Yesterday I was on a gig of band U.D.O. This time I didn´t get the right feeling. It´s not my favourite bands but I like listen the music sometimes. Usually in Tavastia i get good feeling.. maybe i was too tired to go see a band whom totally fan I´m not. I was a driver for others and I could not leave earlier and the band played almost 2,5 hours!!! they made two encores.. I was bored and wanted just go to sleep.. Not my night yesterday!

I thought last night that bands should not do encores! BUT if that would have been for example NW gig, I would like to have one.. there are always to sides on a coin!

Music affects me strongly. It can make me sad, happy, energetic, relax, etc. Lots of emotions in it. The biggest influence has made music of Nightwish. It overtakes me again and again. Lyrics of Tuoma´s are so close to my inner world and the music raises a storm inside my head. Absolutely fantastic!

I was little suprised that I found my "powersong" from other band. My powersong gives me energy to go on to my dreams and goals. It´s from Epica´s latest album the song Unleashed. Here´s the chorus of the song:

"When I´m free,
When my sun has set
Released my soul forever
I´ll have no regret
To be free
I´ll exist again
No more lost endeavors
WHEN I´M FREE"

And the part that is so mine:
"Where was I meant to be?
I feel I´m lost in a dream
Long for the day
I can be myself
WHEN I´M FREE"

When will I be unleashed?
It´s not the way it should be
Yearning again only to be myself
When I´m free!!!

Those words images my thoughts right now, that energy that wants to find the way out, but there are still some obstacles ahead. Now I have to listen the song(0= Then i´m going to get some energy to my body, it´s lunch time!

Luova Visualsointi - Creative Visualization

I started to read a book Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. For me this year is a year of growth, a specially a mental growth. i think this book will help me on my path.
It has given me a lot ideas and i´m on page 30 and theres over 100 to go.

I feel a huge energy inside me that is now locked. The guidance i will get from this book will open the way for my inner spirit. I feel that this year will be awesome. I´m going to make it one! I have known the secret "if you want things to changed, you have to be ready to make things different ways than you are making now". Yes I have heard that earlier, but maybe I wasn´t ready to change?

i have a lot to give, since now I have only given so little! I feel bad about it BUT I won´t start to swallow on it. I would only waste my energy and that I need for the changes in my life! A positiv ones(= First thing I have to change is my attitude. it´s not so easy that I thought. I´m still going on that way. And I feel so good that I have made this decision! i really don´t wanna drift anymore and waste another year. Time goes so fast and you never now whats coming. So we should live our lives every day in the way we want.

Do something you love every day and the day will come better. For me it´s when i hug my huspand. it makes me feel good and safe. And I enjoy read books(=